Wednesday, August 14, 2013

So tired I could cry... well not really but almost.

It's been one of those mornings. It is already 10:30 am and I am exhausted. Had the normal night of a 9:30pm feeding, 2:30am feeding than 6:00 am feeding. Baby girl was up for the day at 8 am and I could tell she was already getting bored with the scenery in this joint so I got dressed, washed my face (er just the mascara off from underneath my eyes), and got in some running clothes. Shoved some breakfast in, and got us all out (her, the dog and I).

The walk was a success but short (thank you mosquitos that were eating both me and the baby).

We got home and I thought I'd try to put her down for her morning nap. Nope. No go. Fussy and unsettled in her crib turned into crying.

So we played.

She rubbed her eyes.

Crib again - uh- NO! Still not ready. Then I realized she might be hungry - that was the ticket.

Put her down again, and now all I want is a nap. If you are not a Mom and you are reading this you may think "whats the big deal?". The big deal is I haven't slept through the night in three months and I am not complaining, I knew what I signing up for. For the first three months of Rebekah Faith's life waking up in the middle of the night two or three times seemed easy. But it's not the shock to the body, when you have a new baby you have this adrenaline (or at least I did - I know some Mom's don't ever get that) it's the waking up for six months in the middle of the night that wears you down.

It's not the same tasks over and over and over again that wear you down - it's someone NEEDING you 24-7 that is draining. And so I find myself emptied again. And that is the beauty in motherhood that makes me turn to the Lord. I am forced, as though in a fast, to depend on him for my "daily bread" of sanity and patience. When I just want to have a cup of coffee and read, or finish a work email, I am interrupted and I am FORCED to put my own "to-do" my own expectations aside and meet the need of my child. Meeting the demands be done with grace, gentleness and joy or it can be done in haste, rushing and just wanting to "get this phase over with", and even resentment.  I have found myself slip into resentment, and that is when God is gracious to me sending the Holy Spirit to lift up a prayer for patience, handing my weakness over to God who can carry my heavy burden.

"Come to me all who are weary and carry heavy loads and I will give you rest." - Words of Jesus from Matthew 11:28 

Nothing gives me rest like turning back to Jesus and remembering that He will supply all my needs, he will give me exactly what I need. This is a practice, part of our sanctification process, and it is often messy - as our flesh resists we have to remember that Jesus has already won the battle for our minds. So we must "take our thoughts captive" and not allow the avalanche of tiredness, a messy house a screaming teething infant, our body image, and everything else that goes along with motherhood run and RUIN our lives.

26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?" 
Matthew 6:26

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